She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
