There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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