i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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