the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
