You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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