Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize