I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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