I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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