i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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