Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
