My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
