I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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