quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
