My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
