my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
