I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
