meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
