Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize