I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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