But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
