The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
