Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
