remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
