I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
