Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
