They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
