how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
