i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize