I think i sorta joined a cult last night
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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