i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
