Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
