my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My balls are so social today.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
