just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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