shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
