i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pants are for mortals
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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