I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
