I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
