Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
