Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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