At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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