Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
