you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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