hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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