then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
