my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
