Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
