Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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