He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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