whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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