You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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