I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
