I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
