he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
