i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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