I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So. Much. Porn.
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