i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Randomize
