i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
