i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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