I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
