I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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